30 to 30

....the final countdown...

Don't read this is you don't like real feelings....I won't be reading it again because I don't like real feelings.

my short experience, so far, with fertility issues:

 When I was fifteen, I was already aware my body had some issues.  So, for a long time, I've tried to mentally prepare myself that I may have fertility issues in my future.  I have not had to face some of the hard and painful procedures that some girls with PCOS do, but I've had a fair share of unpleasant experiences.

When I met Jake, I didn't ever tell him anything about this until the night we decided to get married.  We were driving along the dark freeway {the dark always makes things easier to say} when he told me that he was unable to have anymore children.  That's when I told him that I was worried my body wouldn't be able to, either.  I knew that his procedure was reversible and had no reservations marrying him.

See, when I was a young teenager, I had strong feelings that in my future family, I would be the mother of two children {siblings even} who were not mine, biologically.  In my mind, I figured I would be able to adopt two children after my husband-to-be and I had already had a few of our own.  When I got engaged, my friend, Amanda, reminded me of these feelings I had several years earlier and pointed out how they were right.  I always knew I'd get my Abbi and Noah.

A year and a half after we were married, Jake had his original procedure reversed.  I couldn't really believe we were moving forward with plans to have a baby.  We had talked to a local doctor who made our case sound impossible, physically and financially.  I was crushed.  A few days later, we learned about a facility that specialized in what we needed so we took a weekend getaway.  The procedure was expensive and uncomfortable....for Jake.  Fortunately, we learned that his procedure was a success.

We visited a highly recommended midwife, so I could begin taking fertility medication.  I tried it.  Not only didn't we ever get pregnant, my body didn't cooperate at all.  The medicine was doubled.  Then tripled.  Then tripled for double the number of days.  I can't even express to you the fatigue and hot flashes that consumed my life.  After trying these doses, the midwife wouldn't prescribe anymore and said I needed to move on to a specialist.  

This whole time, I have to say I've been partially proud of my body for doing some of what it's supposed to do.  On the other hand, I can't stand reading anymore ovulation/pregnancy tests because I've never seen what a positive looks like.  I have learned that the desire to have a baby isn't just because that's the next step in life but because I've known as long as I can remember that I was made to be a mom.  Although at times I am incompetent as a mother, I know that's who I am and what I am here to do, along side my really great companion.

I've tried to work through a lot of emotions, mental and spiritual, to deal with the fact that I may never be able to add a baby to our family.  Jake has been supportive of my feelings and is such a wonderfully supportive husband.  I love him so much and have a complete life with him, Abbi, and Noah.  I am highly interested to see we'd create though. 

I just want to throw out a few things I've learned:

• I don't need a "baby of my own" because Abbi and Noah are mine.  We share them, but they're mine, too.
• I don't hate to hear that other people are pregnant or had a baby.  I love my friends and family and are super excited for them.
• I love babies and it doesn't hurt my feelings to see them {unless they're not being taken care of}.
• I don't like people to ask if or when Jake and I will have a baby.  Doesn't that seem a little personal?  For a great article, read THIS.
• I'm scared of really having a baby...not only the labor but my kids sleep all night, eat their food, and independently use the toilet.
• If I do have a baby, I need someone who can knit/crochet a great creation I've been thinking up in my head.
• I have a lot of blessings, and I'm grateful for them.  I'm especially grateful to be a mom.