farewell to my 20's - Part Two

I somehow came across this post from early in January of this year.  I began to prepare for 30 well in advance.  I forgot this list even existed but I guess I better be accountable for what I actually accomplished.

1. get sealed to Jake on February 13th
2. study the Gospel Principles book by October
3. hike to Delicate Arch in Moab in May
4. try to camp without complaining - if my family enjoys it, I guess I should try
1. I didn't complain, we just didn't camp, so of course, I didn't complain.
5. write my life story
6. have a Roscas de Reyes party on February 2 to share our blessings
7. hit a bucket of balls with Jake
1. I drove the cart while he golfed.  Pretty much the same thing.
8. teach Daisy to play dead
9. go to the temple 9 times
10. lose 29 pounds ... unless....
11. get pregnant
12. make cinnamon rolls for the children
1. I guess I did this if you don't count that they were Rhode's Rolls
13. make a Sunday dinner for Jake
14. don't cut my hair
15. teach Noah to write his name
16. memorize the Articles of Faith with Abbi
17. take family names to the temple
18. go to the Box Elder County Fair in August
1. We didn't make it to any county fair :(
19. eat at least one bag of cotton candy
20. see a rodeo with Jake in July
21. read 9 books
22. play Waterfall like I used to
23. complete nine Pinterest projects
24. try to dress Toby up until I am successful
25. write 29 letters
26. eat a bite of something beef
27. eat a bite of something pork
28. make my craft room an aesthetically pleasing space
1. That space doesn't even exist anymore so it can't count against me.
29. don't get another cat, unless it's a Maine Coon
1. Total fail, but it was Jake's fault.  He brought home the Dirty Fuzzy that I took away.  That little guy was evil.

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

It's here...I can't pretend not to be a young adult anymore.  In the meantime, we're flying away.  Here we come Walter, Aunt Becky & family, documentary about Abraham Lincoln, and the ocean!

Happy 30th Birthday to me!  And thus begins my Dirty Thirties.  Dirty?  I don't know, it just rhymed.

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

A sappy birthday-eve post...

My Mother

Lethally kind, she has taken care of me and helped me {and so, so many others} all my life.  Being her sixth child automatically gives people ideas or impressions about what I must be like.  When I was young, I wondered myself if a parent can love every child equally.  Which was worrisome because five others made it to her house before me {not counting Adele}.  But, even with lots of jokes by everyone in the family {"Anne Caboose"} I have never felt like an after-thought or just an addition to the family.  My mom has always individually, and uniquely, loved me.  I've realized this and seen it more as an adult and especially as a young struggling wife and mom.  She loves me and takes care of me just the way I need it and she always has.  What worked for some other kid wouldn't have worked for me which I'm sure is true in reverse.  My mother's prayers and actions have blessed me, carried me, and loved me into who I am now.  I often fail her with my thoughts and actions, which I could never be more sorry for because she's a mom who deserves the best of the best.  Instead, she has me and she loves me anyway.  When I do or think things that are just like her I feel like I've become someone and accomplished something with my life.  You readers have some great moms, but nothing like mine.  I hope I can love her and make her proud of her own life by the way I live mine. 

My Father

At about sixteen, I started to realize my dad had some quirks.  I had seen a few here or there before but with my older eyes {or maybe his more blatant behavior} I could see he was an onion....You know, with lots of layers.  In college, an neighbor from home called and said "Do you know what your dad did today?" and I wasn't 100% surprised.  Growing up, my dad taught me that I had a brain and it was a powerful resource.  He taught me to trust myself.  He encouraged adventure.  He read the scriptures with me and taught me how to study them and be able to teach them.  He's amused by each of his children.  His sense of humor, his interests, his ideas are all freely shared.  There is a bit of that in all of his kids.  I like to be like him.  My dad is generous and thoughtful and even secretly sentimental.  He's smart and wise {I'm hoping he just made a joke with that...}  But really, he is.  He answers the phone every time I call even when he knows I'm just fishing for lunch.  I like that he seems to like to be friends with me.  His love, support, and advice is easily trusted because I know he likes me.  I'm grateful for who he is and how he has lived his life because it's blessed me before and it is a blessing now.  I feel blessed to have a dad, to have parents who sacrificed to give me a good and stable life.  I'm grateful for his influence because that, in addition to all my mom is, has given me the ability to feel good about myself.  I couldn't come from such good parents and not be sort of good too, right?

Anyway...

I will always appreciate the life my parents gave me.  Through all of our trials as a family or those I have had on my own have always been shared.  They take what I carry and help me along.  I'm Joey Tracy now but I'm their Joey.  I like that.

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

Abbi has another report due tomorrow.  Vertebrate Animal Report.  She started with giraffe and switched to panda, which is what I predicted she would have chosen in the first place.  Remember last Valentine's Day when she and I made a giraffe shaped Valentine box?  Animals are not my specialty.  Tomorrow, a model or diorama is due.  I am not a fan of animal shaped/themed anything because I just can't ever feel confident about my knowledge or skills.  Please see the following for an example:

 Forward facing animals are ridiculously difficult and profile animals all have to point to the left for some reason.  These drawings are a lot better than they have been in the past but still remain difficult to imagine, put on paper, and the identify.  I am not setting a goal to improve this during my thirties.  In fact, I'm setting a goal to not try to improve.  That sounds do-able.

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

My body is rebelling.  Instead of celebrating the final days of my twenties, it's flushing them down the toilet by making every part of me ache.  In the last 45 days, there isn't a piece of me that didn't throb, ache, or burst.  Ugh.  Everyone says that's just what happens when you turn thirty but my take on it is that I'm just shedding my twenties so I can wear thirty well.  Here's to hoping.

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

So far, I haven't seen 30 or 30's do anything bad to the people I like.  In fact, that decade seems friendly and even productive.  Sure, I've seen a few people hit some rough patches but I've also seen them have some really great experiences and blessings, too.  Rather than look at the green grass on the other side of the fence, I'm going to make sure my 30's are well fed and watered so I can have some green grass.  I've brainstormed the following ways to water my 30's.

• Let's start with the chemicals - I'm going to take my medicine :)
• I'm going to continue focusing on my family because we create some really great memories together
• I'm going to water my spirit by feasting on the words of the prophets and apostles
• Reaching out to a professional gardner, I'm going to pray on my own and continue to teach my children to pray
• To add a little sunshine, I'm going to do fun things when I have the opportunity
• I'm going to use my green grass to make others happy and share what I've got
• If my grass gets dry or brown, I'm going to work on my own instead of compare it to what I can see over the fence

Now, I've got to remember this for the next ten years.

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

I asked Noah what I should write about myself today.  His idea is for me to write about myself by writing about my own little kid, him.

From Noah:

"You should like me and then I'll like you."
"You like me so much and I like you and daddy and my sister and my mommy and Jenny and I still like Danielle."
"If you want to be happy you should have someone hug you but not a stranger."
"Heavenly Father said we should be good and help others."
"I also love Jack and James and Marlie and Elizabeth."
"We have the best dog and cat ever."
"I am pretty handsome and good."

There you have it.  On my count down to thirty, Noah has apparently already made his peace with it.

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

I wasn't prepared to post this morning so I meant to come home from work and take care of it then.  Instead, we skipped our after-school routine and went to Black Island Farm for FREE!  It was a nice temperature when we arrived but quickly the skies darkened and the wind blew.  When the weather was at it's worst, the children insisted we had to do the Hay Ride to pick a pumpkin before we could leave.  Three pumpkins later, we were all muddy and wet, but it was so FUN!  I love the fall.  Where are all the great activities like hayrides, pumpkin patches, donuts and cider, and corn mazes the rest of the year?  Perfect activity with my very fun babies.

 

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

October Birthday = Love Halloween {unless you're my dad}

 
My mom took me {and the seesters} to Thriller during Priesthood Conference last Saturday.  I loved it!  It was so creative and fun and just the right amount of time.  The only thing I would change is telling the guy next to me he smelled like every person who ever told me they weren't drunk.  Whoa, it was smelly.  Besides that, the guy on the other side of Anne was also stinky drunk and the ladies behind us were also wasted.  I don't mind people having a little drink here or there for the fun of it but check your aroma and behavior at the door when you're going into tight seating at a public event.

Halloween is the best because there are so many fun things to do and make.  And, you don't have to be into the super creepy or scary stuff for Halloween to be great!  I love the Halloween cakes I've had for my birthday and I like trying to make the cute food from the covers of October magazines.  

I don't like scary stuff.  I've tried it in the past and it super creeps me out.  Driving home from being scared is the worst because the back seat is so dark.  Who knows what's riding back there.

My favorite costume is a pumpkin.  Those baby pumpkin onsie pjs are the cutest things on little babies.  My least favorite costume is when whoever is wearing pretends they are the thing they dressed up as.  No going into character.  I don't like it.

When I was really little, my family would do a few visits to the older people in our ward and then eat at Tony's Pizza.  We would get lots of candy during the visits plus my mom would give us our favorite kinds, too.  I was little enough to be held this one year that a clown greeted us at Tony's.  Because I was being held, I was eye to eye with the creep.  When I started screaming, apparently he didn't go away.  He tried to stick around and apologize.  If you ever dress as a clown, do it privately, so everyone doesn't think you're a creep.  Knowing what we know about clowns, if you still choose to be one, you're a creep.

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

Bountiful Baskets - a random comparison
{you know the thing with fruits and veggies, some familiar, some not so common}

My life has been like a Bountiful Basket of experiences.... a little of this, a little of that, some parts I like, some parts weren't my favorite.  But the complete basket has molded and formed me physically, mentally, and spiritually.  It has formed who I am as a Joey, a wife, a mom, a daughter, sister, aunt, neighbor, etc.  

Many of my experiences have been easily navigated and formed into blessings and lessons I could understand and use.  Just like from a Bountiful Basket, I would know what to do with the apples, the potatoes, bananas, sugar snap peas, etc.  

Sometimes I experience things that I really don't recognize upon first sight.  I'm not sure what to make out of the circumstances and experiences I'm given.  I don't know where it came from or what to use it for rather than just throw it out.

After some situations, ideas start popping into my head of what it meant then and what I could make it into now.  If you get a Bountiful Basket, sometimes you don't know what to do with everything that's included, so you have to do some research or ask for help.

I'm grateful for my basket of experiences.  I have such wonderful blessings and have been a part of so many good things that they hide or even sweeten the parts that were unrecognizable or bitter.  I'm grateful that I have resources to figure it all out.  I have always had my good family around me.  My parents have always taken care of me and still help now.  Jake is a wonderful supporter and sympathizer, too.   Since before our marriage, Jake has been the one I needed for a sounding board, for solutions, for support, and for a companion.  To have him as my eternal companion is the sweetest blessing in my basket of experiences.

I appreciate that during hard times of my life I have had the opportunity to receive priesthood blessings, to pray myself for comfort, directions, or relief, to know that I am not forgotten because I know I always have the love and perfect understanding from my Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.

Next time you order your Bountiful Basket, figure out a way to use everything in it.  It's all good for something.  And, the next time I have a painful experience, I'm going to use my resources to figure out how to make bitter things sweet.

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

favorite conference talks

1. I Know That My Redeemer Lives!
2. Beware of the Evil Behind the Smiling Eyes
3. Lift Where You Stand
4. Ministry of Angels
5. Come What May, and Love It
6. You Know Enough
7. Temple Worship: The Source of Strength and Power in Times of Need
8. Sacred Homes, Sacred Temples
9. Becoming Provident Providers
10. Safety for the Soul
11. Mothers Teaching Children in the Home
12. It is Better to Look Up
13. Ask the Missionaries!  They Can Help You!
14. A Return to Virtue
15. The Entire Relief Society Meeting - October 2008

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

church leaders who inspire me:

my dad
pretty much all of my bishops, especially Bishop Shaw
Leonard
a clerk in New Jersey who offered to have the IRS audit the family  who fired me
the Valletta/Fowers/Moore/Butler bishopric
President Lifferth who made flyers to find me a man
Jennie Wilder
every General Conference that I really focus on
Jakey

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

they don't call me "Yella" for nothing....

things that scare me:

• there might be a shark in Bear Lake
• bugs bite and sting
• snakes are never okay
• horse back riding because they might go crazy
• not becoming a better Joey
• getting fatter because I don't have the willpower to get skinnier
• Jake making me camp where there are zero facilities
• how much Wendy loves Hurley
• 18-20 year olds who call me "ma'am"
• gray hair
• being 30
• not having a baby
• having a baby
• your mom

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

 travel wish list:
Church History Sites
Northwest coast
Redwoods
Philadelphia
Washington D.C.
Rhode Island
George W. Bush Library
Boston
East Coast Leaf Tour
Ireland
Sweden
Italy
Scotland
England
Disney Cruise
Hawaii

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

advice to other "aging" women {post idea from jake - he meant younger women}

•  be happy with where you are now
• avoid debt but have some fun with your savings
• be happy with WHO you are now
• spend lots of time in the temple
• talk more about feelings
• go to college and finish as fast as possible
• dare tell people how much you care
• get your hair done and a massage when you feel like it
• don't let the same thing {or person} burn you twice
• seriously, learn to cook, clean, budget, and get up in the morning
• poop or get off the pot {speaking of never-going-anywhere relationships}
• appreciate the ornaments you can still hang on the bottom of your Christmas tree
• get a cat
• go out when you get a chance {on most dates and with new friends}, most people deserve at least one chance
• start a family tradition
• face your insecurities and fears {except red meat}
• be healthy but not a nut
• go to your grandparents' homes more often
• have fun, be funny, be around funny people
• love the things you have time for - politics, Relief Society, temple, family, fun, travel, etc. 

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

my favorite season of the year, every year

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

travel log:
Mexico
Disneyland and surrounding beaches
Bear Lake
Zions National Park
New Mexico
Lake Powell
Yellow Stone
Henry's Lake
Las Vegas
San Francisco
Chicago
New Jersey
New York, New York
San Diego
St. Geoge
Mesa
Tucson
San Antonio
Moab
Rexburg
Jackson Hole
Park City
Logan
Hyrum
Flaming Gorge
Carribbean
Salt Lake City
Surrounding mountains
Wendover

30 to 30

....the final countdown...

Don't read this is you don't like real feelings....I won't be reading it again because I don't like real feelings.

my short experience, so far, with fertility issues:

 When I was fifteen, I was already aware my body had some issues.  So, for a long time, I've tried to mentally prepare myself that I may have fertility issues in my future.  I have not had to face some of the hard and painful procedures that some girls with PCOS do, but I've had a fair share of unpleasant experiences.

When I met Jake, I didn't ever tell him anything about this until the night we decided to get married.  We were driving along the dark freeway {the dark always makes things easier to say} when he told me that he was unable to have anymore children.  That's when I told him that I was worried my body wouldn't be able to, either.  I knew that his procedure was reversible and had no reservations marrying him.

See, when I was a young teenager, I had strong feelings that in my future family, I would be the mother of two children {siblings even} who were not mine, biologically.  In my mind, I figured I would be able to adopt two children after my husband-to-be and I had already had a few of our own.  When I got engaged, my friend, Amanda, reminded me of these feelings I had several years earlier and pointed out how they were right.  I always knew I'd get my Abbi and Noah.

A year and a half after we were married, Jake had his original procedure reversed.  I couldn't really believe we were moving forward with plans to have a baby.  We had talked to a local doctor who made our case sound impossible, physically and financially.  I was crushed.  A few days later, we learned about a facility that specialized in what we needed so we took a weekend getaway.  The procedure was expensive and uncomfortable....for Jake.  Fortunately, we learned that his procedure was a success.

We visited a highly recommended midwife, so I could begin taking fertility medication.  I tried it.  Not only didn't we ever get pregnant, my body didn't cooperate at all.  The medicine was doubled.  Then tripled.  Then tripled for double the number of days.  I can't even express to you the fatigue and hot flashes that consumed my life.  After trying these doses, the midwife wouldn't prescribe anymore and said I needed to move on to a specialist.  

This whole time, I have to say I've been partially proud of my body for doing some of what it's supposed to do.  On the other hand, I can't stand reading anymore ovulation/pregnancy tests because I've never seen what a positive looks like.  I have learned that the desire to have a baby isn't just because that's the next step in life but because I've known as long as I can remember that I was made to be a mom.  Although at times I am incompetent as a mother, I know that's who I am and what I am here to do, along side my really great companion.

I've tried to work through a lot of emotions, mental and spiritual, to deal with the fact that I may never be able to add a baby to our family.  Jake has been supportive of my feelings and is such a wonderfully supportive husband.  I love him so much and have a complete life with him, Abbi, and Noah.  I am highly interested to see we'd create though. 

I just want to throw out a few things I've learned:

• I don't need a "baby of my own" because Abbi and Noah are mine.  We share them, but they're mine, too.
• I don't hate to hear that other people are pregnant or had a baby.  I love my friends and family and are super excited for them.
• I love babies and it doesn't hurt my feelings to see them {unless they're not being taken care of}.
• I don't like people to ask if or when Jake and I will have a baby.  Doesn't that seem a little personal?  For a great article, read THIS.
• I'm scared of really having a baby...not only the labor but my kids sleep all night, eat their food, and independently use the toilet.
• If I do have a baby, I need someone who can knit/crochet a great creation I've been thinking up in my head.
• I have a lot of blessings, and I'm grateful for them.  I'm especially grateful to be a mom.

30 to 30

....the final countdown...

five stages of grief about turning thirty:

1. Denial - I guess I'm still in this stage because I really don't understand how this happened.
2. Anger - Yeah, I'm angry because I lost between 3-5 years without noticing until now.
3. Bargaining - Oh, the bargaining I've been doing.... apparently, promising myself, in my head, that I would go 24 hours without Diet Coke in order to not have a birthday doesn't work....for a lot of reasons.
4. Depression - I'm still more in denial.  I think I'll go without the depression about it.  Depression isn't fun or funny.
5. Acceptance - Almost there....

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

when I'm 60:

Abbi will be thiry-nine
Noah will be thirty-five

Grandkids?

Jake and I will be counting down to retirement, his retirement
I won't be working because I'll be too busy doing whatever I feel like
Jake and I will, hopefully, have money saved to serve a mission together

Hopefully, I'll be busy with the Church, maybe working in the Brigham Temple

My hobbies will include watching TV shows I enjoy now

I don't think I'll be able to crochet or knit so I'll just read books

By then, I'll have seen Ireland and Hawaii

Lots of road trips because seniors get some crazy discounts on National Parks

Have "Club" with my brothers/sisters and their spouses