30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

travel log:
Mexico
Disneyland and surrounding beaches
Bear Lake
Zions National Park
New Mexico
Lake Powell
Yellow Stone
Henry's Lake
Las Vegas
San Francisco
Chicago
New Jersey
New York, New York
San Diego
St. Geoge
Mesa
Tucson
San Antonio
Moab
Rexburg
Jackson Hole
Park City
Logan
Hyrum
Flaming Gorge
Carribbean
Salt Lake City
Surrounding mountains
Wendover

30 to 30

....the final countdown...

Don't read this is you don't like real feelings....I won't be reading it again because I don't like real feelings.

my short experience, so far, with fertility issues:

 When I was fifteen, I was already aware my body had some issues.  So, for a long time, I've tried to mentally prepare myself that I may have fertility issues in my future.  I have not had to face some of the hard and painful procedures that some girls with PCOS do, but I've had a fair share of unpleasant experiences.

When I met Jake, I didn't ever tell him anything about this until the night we decided to get married.  We were driving along the dark freeway {the dark always makes things easier to say} when he told me that he was unable to have anymore children.  That's when I told him that I was worried my body wouldn't be able to, either.  I knew that his procedure was reversible and had no reservations marrying him.

See, when I was a young teenager, I had strong feelings that in my future family, I would be the mother of two children {siblings even} who were not mine, biologically.  In my mind, I figured I would be able to adopt two children after my husband-to-be and I had already had a few of our own.  When I got engaged, my friend, Amanda, reminded me of these feelings I had several years earlier and pointed out how they were right.  I always knew I'd get my Abbi and Noah.

A year and a half after we were married, Jake had his original procedure reversed.  I couldn't really believe we were moving forward with plans to have a baby.  We had talked to a local doctor who made our case sound impossible, physically and financially.  I was crushed.  A few days later, we learned about a facility that specialized in what we needed so we took a weekend getaway.  The procedure was expensive and uncomfortable....for Jake.  Fortunately, we learned that his procedure was a success.

We visited a highly recommended midwife, so I could begin taking fertility medication.  I tried it.  Not only didn't we ever get pregnant, my body didn't cooperate at all.  The medicine was doubled.  Then tripled.  Then tripled for double the number of days.  I can't even express to you the fatigue and hot flashes that consumed my life.  After trying these doses, the midwife wouldn't prescribe anymore and said I needed to move on to a specialist.  

This whole time, I have to say I've been partially proud of my body for doing some of what it's supposed to do.  On the other hand, I can't stand reading anymore ovulation/pregnancy tests because I've never seen what a positive looks like.  I have learned that the desire to have a baby isn't just because that's the next step in life but because I've known as long as I can remember that I was made to be a mom.  Although at times I am incompetent as a mother, I know that's who I am and what I am here to do, along side my really great companion.

I've tried to work through a lot of emotions, mental and spiritual, to deal with the fact that I may never be able to add a baby to our family.  Jake has been supportive of my feelings and is such a wonderfully supportive husband.  I love him so much and have a complete life with him, Abbi, and Noah.  I am highly interested to see we'd create though. 

I just want to throw out a few things I've learned:

• I don't need a "baby of my own" because Abbi and Noah are mine.  We share them, but they're mine, too.
• I don't hate to hear that other people are pregnant or had a baby.  I love my friends and family and are super excited for them.
• I love babies and it doesn't hurt my feelings to see them {unless they're not being taken care of}.
• I don't like people to ask if or when Jake and I will have a baby.  Doesn't that seem a little personal?  For a great article, read THIS.
• I'm scared of really having a baby...not only the labor but my kids sleep all night, eat their food, and independently use the toilet.
• If I do have a baby, I need someone who can knit/crochet a great creation I've been thinking up in my head.
• I have a lot of blessings, and I'm grateful for them.  I'm especially grateful to be a mom.

30 to 30

....the final countdown...

five stages of grief about turning thirty:

1. Denial - I guess I'm still in this stage because I really don't understand how this happened.
2. Anger - Yeah, I'm angry because I lost between 3-5 years without noticing until now.
3. Bargaining - Oh, the bargaining I've been doing.... apparently, promising myself, in my head, that I would go 24 hours without Diet Coke in order to not have a birthday doesn't work....for a lot of reasons.
4. Depression - I'm still more in denial.  I think I'll go without the depression about it.  Depression isn't fun or funny.
5. Acceptance - Almost there....

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

when I'm 60:

Abbi will be thiry-nine
Noah will be thirty-five

Grandkids?

Jake and I will be counting down to retirement, his retirement
I won't be working because I'll be too busy doing whatever I feel like
Jake and I will, hopefully, have money saved to serve a mission together

Hopefully, I'll be busy with the Church, maybe working in the Brigham Temple

My hobbies will include watching TV shows I enjoy now

I don't think I'll be able to crochet or knit so I'll just read books

By then, I'll have seen Ireland and Hawaii

Lots of road trips because seniors get some crazy discounts on National Parks

Have "Club" with my brothers/sisters and their spouses

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

funniest things I can remember...man, I wish I had a better memory

1. playing Mad Libs in college
2. anything that happened after I should have been asleep in college
3. any time Kayli and I have time enough to be silly
4. when the drive-through guy caught Dad singing like Homer Simpson
5. listening to Anne and Dad tell us how he backed over his own golf clubs with the cart
6. Jimmy's story about corn on the soap and trying to re-tell it to Lisa
7. Jack's fart at Marlie's recital
8. Abbi telling me "never gets old" when I said some old, annoying saying
9. whatever Noah does that leaves me without words and having to hide my smile/laughter
10. when Walter ran and peed himself when Jake scared him
11. sitting in my car with some friends during the rainstorms at my last singles' ward campout
12. whatever led to my most serious asthma attack in a Layton park with Lisa, Kayli, and Jon
13. having to read my stalker's poem aloud to him that he wrote about me
14. figuring out that an associate's request for time off for court was for a charge of fornication not "fortification" like she said
15. another associate brought me knitting needles and asked where we kept weapons like those
16. Marlie flinging her shirt over my dad's newspaper when she was one
17. naked-Noah asking Anne a rhetorical question about her life
18. getting butted by a calf who wanted the bottle of milk I was feeding its brother
19. this could go on but my memory fails me....laughing is my favorite, as is smiling, I just like smiling, smiling's my favorite, laughing leads to tears, snorts, and asthma attacks, laughing makes everyday better by 47%

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...

pets that have left prints {paw prints, perhaps} in my life

1. Jingle - some kind of hound, beagle, bassett?
2. Simba - a kitten that lived at Amy's 
3. Inky Ed - also a kitten that lived at Amy's and was not as sweet as Simba
4. Buddy - a bug-eyed fish
5. Turd Ferguson - Buddy's tank mate who died by filter
6. Blaine - Beta Fish eaten by Blaine
7. Blaine - frog that ate Blaine
8. Blaine - frog that made mating calls to my visiting teacher
9. Ruthy Pig-Faced Draper - Maltese/Shitzu, we lasted 14 hours together
10. Walter - Coton, in the witness protection program, renamed Peanut
11. Darla - heeler-lab, naughty run away
12. Thor - heeler-lab, a wussy brother of Darla's
13. Toby - a kitty consolation prize from Jake
14. Tank - a fat kitty we gave to a friend
15. Daisy - an anniversary/mother's day gift
16. Spike - a dirty fuzzy who just couldn't be domesticated

tucking in

One of my favorite times of day is the end, for more than one reason, but mostly for those last few pleasant minutes with the babies.  They're sweet and silly and full of love.  Noah helps me get the vitamins ready and chooses which animal he wants in bed with him.  Abbi is so excited to talk about what tomorrow might be like.  She's a planner.  

Before I left the room, Abbi remembered I had told her to remind me to have prayers with them every night.  Noah asked to say the prayer.  Oh, what good babies I have.  Noah prayed that Abbi wouldn't have any nightmares {she's been having a few lately} and he prayed for Heavenly Father to bless him to be a good boy every day.

I'm counting my blessings tonight that I just didn't tuck them in a leave too quick.  The extra minute was the best minute of the day.

30 to 30

 ....the final countdown...
  
my Life List from a while back

1. graduate from high school
2. see new york city
3. go to college
4. meet W
5. give a public speech {not at church}
6. read the book of mormon in less than a week
7. go to the temple
8. get married
9. be a mommy
10. be a truth speaker
11. call roll at the Utah GOP convention
12. visit inside the white house
13. understand cultures
14. help people {no matter where they are in life}
15. teach in an elementary school
16. teach in a junior high school
17. teach at a high school
18. teach at a university
19. own a farm animal
20. have a yard
21. have 1-3 more babies {don't tell Jake about the 3}
22. be sealed to Jake in the temple
23. paint a striped or chevron accent wall
24. teach Daisy to roll over
25. get a Maine Coon cat
26. own this painting
27.  go to the clear blue Caribbean water
28. memorize my favorite scripture verses
29. be a crazy cat lady
30. braid my own hair
31. ride this bike
32. muffle the doors {or teach the kids not to slam them}
33. refinish a few pieces of furniture to be colorful
34. buy something at Anthropolgie without checking the price
35. don't use the cheat foot pedal button on the organ
36. see Wicked
37. visit the northwest
38. visit the east coast
39. go to Nauvoo
40. visit as many temples as possible
41. read every book in my house
42. take the kids to the aquarium
43. play Waterfall like I used to
44. send 30 notes in the mail in a month
45. make Jake a real Sunday dinner
46. dress up as a family for Halloween
47. read all the books on my pinterest board
48. foster a love of reading in my children
49. see Grandma once a week
50. teach Noah to write his name
51. blog something interesting
52. write something to be published
53. make Swedish Pancakes without a recipe
54. organize a creative space
55. use all of my pinterest recipes
56. make my home a gathering place
57. attend an entire year of Sunday School
58. keep the table clear all week
59. see my own tulips bloom in the spring
60. have a cute front door
61. visit Sweden and Germany
62. see the Redwoods
63. keep Jake from flying an airplane
64. keep Jake from jumping from an airplane
65. help Jake with his other goals
66. have an overly-festive holiday party
67. be a part of something big
68. sell something I make
69. have an different apron for every day of the week
70. keep the owl full of cookies
71. paint my bedroom
72. build a house with Jake
73. be more Holly Homemaker
74. do my hair and makeup every day
75. be miraculously cured from asthma
76. wake up early to watch the news and get the day going
77. see my friends more
78. read the Book of Mormon out loud with Abbi
79. go on a mission with Jake
80. send Noah {and Abbi, if she feels it} on a mission
81. teach Abbi to play the piano
82. get jeans that fit
83. write about working at Deseret Industries
84. find something to do on Wednesday nights
85. earn my teaching license
86. spend evenings with Jake
87. touch a penguin
88. visit Ireland
89.  
90.  
91.  
92.  
93.  
94.  
95.  
96.  
97.  
98.  
99.    
100.  

Wendy wrote about my post - Click here for her view. 

30 to 30

....the final countdown...

a short list of things I wish to do in the next 30 years

1.  Meet George Walker Bush.
2. Build a home with Jake.
3. Minus Joey by 30+ pounds.
4. Read the Book of Mormon out loud with my children.
5. Teach Daisy a new trick.
6. Get a Maine Coon cat.
7. Send Noah, and Abbi if she wants to, on a mission.
8. Go on a mission with Jake.
9. Have a baby.
10. Write about working at Deseret Industries.
11. Find something to do on Wednesday nights.
12. Earn my teaching license?
13. Touch a penguin.
14. Travel with Jake.

30 to 30

....the final countdown...

a short compilation of things I have done with my first 30 years

1. I was baptized and confirmed a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
2. I earned my Young Womanhood Recognition Award.
3. I took an adventure to New Jersey where I learned different things than I had set out to learn.
4. I earned my college degree in 3.5 years.
5. I bought my own home, twice.
6. I received my temple endowment.
7. I married Jake.
8. I became a mom to Abbi and Noah.
9. Jake and I were sealed in the Brigham City Temple.
10. I saved for retirement {I'm not done, but I did my best so far}.
11. I visited Ground Zero a few times.
12. I was stung on both legs by a jellyfish in the Pacific Ocean.
13. I worked with over 200 associates at Deseret Industries. {I'm in the video on the home page :) }

30 to 30

....the final countdown...

my third decade: 2003-2013

20 - After a year at Salt Lake Community College, I transferred to Weber for one semester, before transferring again to Utah State.  I also transferred to another branch of the credit union in Clearfield, and then another in Hyrum.  I moved in with strangers in Logan when fall semester started.  I really like those strangers.  Jeremy's friend got me a Matrix at the auction and I loved it.
21 - My first visit to Chicago was for New Year's 2005 with my sisters and Jeremy.  I didn't even get ID'd at the Jazz Bar we went to.  The Count Basie Orchestra put on a great performance.  I'll never forget the piece of Oreo Cheesecake I had in Chicago.  Mmmm!
22 - During my last semester, I had two internships, a job, and 15 credit hours.  My favorite internship was at the Cache County Jail teaching finance.  I graduated from Utah State University and left Cache Valley.  I miss that beautiful place and love to visit there.  I traded my Matrix for a Prius after Jeremy hauled an entire roasted pig to a wedding.  The pig juices dripped through the seats and onto the frame of the car.  There was no way I could get every bit of pig smell out.
23 - I bought my first house in Layton.  My dad says I picked it because of the cat I saw while house shopping.  Kayli lived there with me for over a year before getting married.  I also started working for the Church at Deseret Industries as a job coach.  I sold my Prius to get a Rav4, which was a champ in the snow.  So was the Prius, I was just worried about the battery.  I served in the Relief Society Presidency with some really great girls.
24 - This year, I asked Bishop Valletta if I could go to the temple to receive my endowments.  After a hiccup here or there, with the new age requirements, I got a green light from the stake president.  I spent a lot of time in the Ogden Temple.
25 - My sisters and I went to San Diego.  It was my favorite of the sister trips.  I was still living in Layton, driving the RAV, working in Centerville, and serving in the Relief Society.  I bought a new townhouse in Roy just before my 26th birthday.
26 - I set up and deleted two on-line dating accounts.  After talking to one person for a few months, I decided that I would go to Arizona to meet him.  I had disposable income, time off, love of travel, and no desire to try this out in my own town.  Mesa is beautiful in the spring.  The guy was fine but there was no connection.  I came home early under not so happy circumstances.  This is the trip, I discovered that if I wanted to eat two dinners I could and I would.  I had to sit in that airport a long time, I was mad, and I didn't want to choose between pizza and Chinese food.  Later that year, I tried the online thing again and met Jake.  Huh.  You know, the Jake I dated, later dumped, and lived to regret it.  Lots of junky stuff happened at work that still tempts me to make angry phone calls.
27 - Jake answered my random New Year's text and we got back together.  On our second-first date, we both admitted to not being ready for marriage.  Two weeks later, we were engaged.  Fast forward three very bumpy months, we got married.  I became a wife and a mom.  I transferred to the Harrisville D.I. and loved it there.  I also started taking an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant because apparently, living the dream doesn't always feel like a dream.  And, that's okay.
28 - We chugged along, getting into our new roles and life together.  Jake finished the basement of the townhouse which was a blessing in a million ways.  Toby and Daisy entered my life, never to leave.  I guess 28 was a turning point for me....becoming a crazy cat lady.  I also quit my job to stay at home full-time with the kids.  Again, living the dream doesn't always feel like a dream.  And, that's okay.  I have loved being home, taking Abbi to/from school, teaching Noah's first preschool class, helping with homework, and having random holiday dinners with them, like Ground Hog's Day.  Also, I started driving a mini-van.  I didn't hate it but I reminded people I was 28.
29 - We sold the Roy house and moved into a small duplex behind Abbi's school.  It's very smushy and cabin fever hits us at unexpected times, but it has been a surprise blessing for us to be here.  In my attempt to ignore that we don't have a baby yet, I traded the van for a Highlander.  Jake says it will be useful with a hitch for the camping we "love" to do.  I wish I would have kept the Sienna but I was kind of at a low point where I tried to use distractions from my real feelings.  Oh, well.  Twenty-nine is almost over.

30 to 30

....the final countdown...

my second decade: 1993-2003

10 - I remember Mrs. Whitney getting mad at my friend for talking while I was talking, too.  Mrs. Whitney said I could talk and work and she couldn't.  Good day.  The next day, I had to carry the puke bucket for the aforementioned girl on our way to the office.  I said something really bad at the end of this school year to another girl.
11 - The bad thing I said came true and that girl wasn't in fifth grade.  This year, I learned that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was.  Mrs. Scalise pushed me harder than anyone had before.
12 - My grandma passed away.  I still try to think that I can remember her or knew her like I wished and that she knew me and loved me.  If only my memory could reach back a little better....
13 - Junior High was awkward and not a really great time.  I could have been a little more diligent with my school work.  I had my first boyfriend who gave me a big Valentine's balloon with a stuffed animal and chocolates inside of it.  We only lasted a couple of weeks.  Apparently, if you're going out with someone, you should exchange phone numbers or at least eat lunch together.
14 - I responded to a request for letters to the General Young Women's Presidency.  Bishop Shaw said they called him and wanted to meet me.  My parents drove me to Payson where I was interviewed and filmed for a video used in the General Young Women's Meeting.  That night, I sat in the Tabernacle with my mom and sisters during the meeting.  When the video was used my face was broadcast on the round ceiling of the Tabernacle and across the world via satellite.  My dad had to watch the broadcast from the Assembly Hall next door.
15 - Fifteen seemed like a good year.  I liked it.  I really loved young women's the whole time I was involved.  They filled in, especially, when some friends from school told me I couldn't hang around with them anymore.  The 3rd Ward Young Women's was the best experience of my teenage years.
16 - If junior high was unpleasant, multiply that in high school.  Aunt Maureen passed away.  She was excellent in every way and I will love every memory of her forever. 
17 - Other than school, seventeen was a good year.  Young women's was still excellent and my closest friends were the other Laurels.  I still enjoy those friendships. 
18 - I had a biology test, a full-shift at a new job, a city council meeting, and a birthday party.  I asked not to have anyone other than my immediate family at my birthday because it was going to be such a long day.  I thought about Alleson all day.  I really like her.
19 - It was during my short stint in New Jersey when I turned nineteen.  People I didn't know from my institute class threw me a surprise birthday party.  I learned a lot of things I loved about the Church while I was in New Jersey.  Most of nineteen was spent with Wendy in Salt Lake where I started a new job that day I started college.  I also celebrated a 4.0 GPA after doing 17 credit hours while working 30 hours a week.  My last 4.0.....

30 to 30

....the final countdown...

my first decade: 1983-1993

0 - I was cute.  I didn't walk.  No need to.
1 - Still cute.  Still didn't walk.  No need to.
2 - Cute.  Pigtails.
3 - Started preschool with the neighbor kids.
4 - Was a pro at preschool with the neighbor kids.
5 - Mrs. Sheen wouldn't let me write 1990 on my papers until after New Years.  Sheesh.
6 - Dad and Jeremy snuck me out of Mrs. Tremea's class to get my ears pierced.
7 - My cousin Michelle died.  She was cute with curls and had lots of personality in her four year old body.  Can't wait to get to know her again.
8 - Dad baptized me on my birthday.  My grandma's were the speakers and I wish I knew what they said.  I remember telling Aunt Maureen my mom would be serving steak at the dinner after the baptism.  Really, it was just sloppy joes.  Mrs. Unck let me tell the class about my special day.
9 - Anne said that it was really old for me to be nine.  I could beat Mrs. Hyde at timed multiplication tests.

30 to 30

and it begins....the final countdown...

I guess I am one of those {or one of YOU} people who dread turning THIRTY.

I don't hate the number as much as I hate the categories people put you in or count you out of by just having a simple birthday.

I am young.  At least, I don't remember not being young.

I am married and have kids and stuff but I could be 20 and have that be true.

College just ended....seven years ago.  What?  When did seven years start feeling like two years?

What is it that makes people start calling you "Ma'am?"  Ma'am.  Are you kidding me?!  Those punks who do it are practically my same age....that I was seven to twelve years ago.

Just because I'm thirty, doesn't mean I don't understand eighteen.  You don't automatically start identifying with 56 year old people because you leave your twenties.  And, even if you do identify with them, it doesn't make you their age.  Wait.  Lightbulb moment....crap.  Does that mean if I identify with college kids, it doesn't make me their age either?

And, gray roots.  What?!  Where the H did they come from?

Here we go....29 more posts on my way to THIRTY.

out of ideas

I got stumped and painted myself into a corner.  Noah swears.  And swears.  He strings them together.  If I've done anything as a mother, I've never sworn at or even around my children.  I know it's not coming from the shows we watch {except for the old Ninga Turtles movie we watched that one time}.  It's coming from people we go around.  I know there is no way to shelter my kids from hearing swear words {or other words we don't allow at home} but I don't know how to teach Noah that while so-and-so says those things, we don't.  We've had positive talks about it, time outs about it, etc.

This afternoon, Noah and Elizabeth were playing a lively game of Checkers {which neither of them know how to play} and Elizabeth jumped Noah's guy.  He wasn't angry, just into his game, so he strung and repeated his go-to swear.  Here comes the "I'm out of ideas" part.....

I put a tiny drop on his tongue and sent him to time out.  But, first, I did let him have a sip of milk.  I panicked!  The surprise on his face was horrible.  It was like he thought I was treating him to something special and he trusted me and I betrayed him. 

Sometimes being the mom isn't very cool.  On the other hand, he said he isn't going to swear anymore because swear words burn his mouth.  Mission accomplished???  Of course, Noah got over this hours ago and I'm still feeling so confused about what happened.  I hope he doesn't call my bluff because I'm pretty sure I can't Tabasco him again.  Or can I?

p.s. Have you ever had one of those "I've become my mother" moments?  This was mine.  :)

Mr. Popper's Penguins

Abbi is reading this book and using it for her daily writing homework.  Today, she wrote:

"I like how Mr. and Mrs. Popper are still married in the story.  In the movie, the parents are separated."

Sometimes, my heart hurts.

my favorite in-law

This is RaNae, my favorite in-law from Jake's family.  She may be my only in-law but it couldn't get better than her.  Jake's mom is the best!  She's very supportive and loving and hilarious.  I'm so glad to be in her family!

We had an impromptu night out last weekend.  I met her in Brigham to drop something off and we visited in a parking lot for a couple of hours.  Dinner time came and went so we took a late trip over to Maddox where we both ordered salads :)  Good thing we found a steak house with such excellent lettuce, and bread.

 This was the first time we have been able to spend some time with just the two of us.  I hope there are more nights like this because it was perfect company!