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travel log:
Mexico
Disneyland and surrounding beaches
Bear Lake
Zions National Park
New Mexico
Lake Powell
Yellow Stone
Henry's Lake
Las Vegas
San Francisco
Chicago
New Jersey
New York, New York
San Diego
St. Geoge
Mesa
Tucson
San Antonio
Moab
Rexburg
Jackson Hole
Park City
Logan
Hyrum
Flaming Gorge
Carribbean
Salt Lake City
Surrounding mountains
Wendover
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Don't read this is you don't like real feelings....I won't be reading it again because I don't like real feelings.
my short experience, so far, with fertility issues:
When I was fifteen, I was already aware my body had some issues. So, for a long time, I've tried to mentally prepare myself that I may have fertility issues in my future. I have not had to face some of the hard and painful procedures that some girls with PCOS do, but I've had a fair share of unpleasant experiences.
When I met Jake, I didn't ever tell him anything about this until the night we decided to get married. We were driving along the dark freeway {the dark always makes things easier to say} when he told me that he was unable to have anymore children. That's when I told him that I was worried my body wouldn't be able to, either. I knew that his procedure was reversible and had no reservations marrying him.
See, when I was a young teenager, I had strong feelings that in my future family, I would be the mother of two children {siblings even} who were not mine, biologically. In my mind, I figured I would be able to adopt two children after my husband-to-be and I had already had a few of our own. When I got engaged, my friend, Amanda, reminded me of these feelings I had several years earlier and pointed out how they were right. I always knew I'd get my Abbi and Noah.
A year and a half after we were married, Jake had his original procedure reversed. I couldn't really believe we were moving forward with plans to have a baby. We had talked to a local doctor who made our case sound impossible, physically and financially. I was crushed. A few days later, we learned about a facility that specialized in what we needed so we took a weekend getaway. The procedure was expensive and uncomfortable....for Jake. Fortunately, we learned that his procedure was a success.
We visited a highly recommended midwife, so I could begin taking fertility medication. I tried it. Not only didn't we ever get pregnant, my body didn't cooperate at all. The medicine was doubled. Then tripled. Then tripled for double the number of days. I can't even express to you the fatigue and hot flashes that consumed my life. After trying these doses, the midwife wouldn't prescribe anymore and said I needed to move on to a specialist.
This whole time, I have to say I've been partially proud of my body for doing some of what it's supposed to do. On the other hand, I can't stand reading anymore ovulation/pregnancy tests because I've never seen what a positive looks like. I have learned that the desire to have a baby isn't just because that's the next step in life but because I've known as long as I can remember that I was made to be a mom. Although at times I am incompetent as a mother, I know that's who I am and what I am here to do, along side my really great companion.
I've tried to work through a lot of emotions, mental and spiritual, to deal with the fact that I may never be able to add a baby to our family. Jake has been supportive of my feelings and is such a wonderfully supportive husband. I love him so much and have a complete life with him, Abbi, and Noah. I am highly interested to see we'd create though.
I just want to throw out a few things I've learned:
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five stages of grief about turning thirty:
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when I'm 60:
Abbi will be thiry-nine
Noah will be thirty-five
Grandkids?
Jake and I will be counting down to retirement, his retirement
I won't be working because I'll be too busy doing whatever I feel like
Jake and I will, hopefully, have money saved to serve a mission together
Hopefully, I'll be busy with the Church, maybe working in the Brigham Temple
My hobbies will include watching TV shows I enjoy now
I don't think I'll be able to crochet or knit so I'll just read books
By then, I'll have seen Ireland and Hawaii
Lots of road trips because seniors get some crazy discounts on National Parks
Have "Club" with my brothers/sisters and their spouses
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funniest things I can remember...man, I wish I had a better memory
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pets that have left prints {paw prints, perhaps} in my life
One of my favorite times of day is the end, for more than one reason, but mostly for those last few pleasant minutes with the babies. They're sweet and silly and full of love. Noah helps me get the vitamins ready and chooses which animal he wants in bed with him. Abbi is so excited to talk about what tomorrow might be like. She's a planner.
Before I left the room, Abbi remembered I had told her to remind me to have prayers with them every night. Noah asked to say the prayer. Oh, what good babies I have. Noah prayed that Abbi wouldn't have any nightmares {she's been having a few lately} and he prayed for Heavenly Father to bless him to be a good boy every day.
I'm counting my blessings tonight that I just didn't tuck them in a leave too quick. The extra minute was the best minute of the day.
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my Life List from a while back
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a short list of things I wish to do in the next 30 years
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a short compilation of things I have done with my first 30 years
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my third decade: 2003-2013
20 - After a year at Salt Lake Community College, I transferred to Weber for one semester, before transferring again to Utah State. I also transferred to another branch of the credit union in Clearfield, and then another in Hyrum. I moved in with strangers in Logan when fall semester started. I really like those strangers. Jeremy's friend got me a Matrix at the auction and I loved it.
21 - My first visit to Chicago was for New Year's 2005 with my sisters and Jeremy. I didn't even get ID'd at the Jazz Bar we went to. The Count Basie Orchestra put on a great performance. I'll never forget the piece of Oreo Cheesecake I had in Chicago. Mmmm!
22 - During my last semester, I had two internships, a job, and 15 credit hours. My favorite internship was at the Cache County Jail teaching finance. I graduated from Utah State University and left Cache Valley. I miss that beautiful place and love to visit there. I traded my Matrix for a Prius after Jeremy hauled an entire roasted pig to a wedding. The pig juices dripped through the seats and onto the frame of the car. There was no way I could get every bit of pig smell out.
23 - I bought my first house in Layton. My dad says I picked it because of the cat I saw while house shopping. Kayli lived there with me for over a year before getting married. I also started working for the Church at Deseret Industries as a job coach. I sold my Prius to get a Rav4, which was a champ in the snow. So was the Prius, I was just worried about the battery. I served in the Relief Society Presidency with some really great girls.
24 - This year, I asked Bishop Valletta if I could go to the temple to receive my endowments. After a hiccup here or there, with the new age requirements, I got a green light from the stake president. I spent a lot of time in the Ogden Temple.
25 - My sisters and I went to San Diego. It was my favorite of the sister trips. I was still living in Layton, driving the RAV, working in Centerville, and serving in the Relief Society. I bought a new townhouse in Roy just before my 26th birthday.
26 - I set up and deleted two on-line dating accounts. After talking to one person for a few months, I decided that I would go to Arizona to meet him. I had disposable income, time off, love of travel, and no desire to try this out in my own town. Mesa is beautiful in the spring. The guy was fine but there was no connection. I came home early under not so happy circumstances. This is the trip, I discovered that if I wanted to eat two dinners I could and I would. I had to sit in that airport a long time, I was mad, and I didn't want to choose between pizza and Chinese food. Later that year, I tried the online thing again and met Jake. Huh. You know, the Jake I dated, later dumped, and lived to regret it. Lots of junky stuff happened at work that still tempts me to make angry phone calls.
27
- Jake answered my random New Year's text and we got back together. On our second-first date, we both admitted to not being ready for marriage. Two weeks later, we were engaged. Fast forward three very bumpy months, we got married. I became a wife and a mom. I transferred to the Harrisville D.I. and loved it there. I also started taking an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant because apparently, living the dream doesn't always feel like a dream. And, that's okay.
28 - We chugged along, getting into our new roles and life together. Jake finished the basement of the townhouse which was a blessing in a million ways. Toby and Daisy entered my life, never to leave. I guess 28 was a turning point for me....becoming a crazy cat lady. I also quit my job to stay at home full-time with the kids. Again, living the dream doesn't always feel like a dream. And, that's okay. I have loved being home, taking Abbi to/from school, teaching Noah's first preschool class, helping with homework, and having random holiday dinners with them, like Ground Hog's Day. Also, I started driving a mini-van. I didn't hate it but I reminded people I was 28.
29 - We sold the Roy house and moved into a small duplex behind Abbi's school. It's very smushy and cabin fever hits us at unexpected times, but it has been a surprise blessing for us to be here. In my attempt to ignore that we don't have a baby yet, I traded the van for a Highlander. Jake says it will be useful with a hitch for the camping we "love" to do. I wish I would have kept the Sienna but I was kind of at a low point where I tried to use distractions from my real feelings. Oh, well. Twenty-nine is almost over.
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my second decade: 1993-2003
10 - I remember Mrs. Whitney getting mad at my friend for talking while I was talking, too. Mrs. Whitney said I could talk and work and she couldn't. Good day. The next day, I had to carry the puke bucket for the aforementioned girl on our way to the office. I said something really bad at the end of this school year to another girl.
11 - The bad thing I said came true and that girl wasn't in fifth grade. This year, I learned that I wasn't as smart as I thought I was. Mrs. Scalise pushed me harder than anyone had before.
12 - My grandma passed away. I still try to think that I can remember her or knew her like I wished and that she knew me and loved me. If only my memory could reach back a little better....
13 - Junior High was awkward and not a really great time. I could have been a little more diligent with my school work. I had my first boyfriend who gave me a big Valentine's balloon with a stuffed animal and chocolates inside of it. We only lasted a couple of weeks. Apparently, if you're going out with someone, you should exchange phone numbers or at least eat lunch together.
14 - I responded to a request for letters to the General Young Women's Presidency. Bishop Shaw said they called him and wanted to meet me. My parents drove me to Payson where I was interviewed and filmed for a video used in the General Young Women's Meeting. That night, I sat in the Tabernacle with my mom and sisters during the meeting. When the video was used my face was broadcast on the round ceiling of the Tabernacle and across the world via satellite. My dad had to watch the broadcast from the Assembly Hall next door.
15 - Fifteen seemed like a good year. I liked it. I really loved young women's the whole time I was involved. They filled in, especially, when some friends from school told me I couldn't hang around with them anymore. The 3rd Ward Young Women's was the best experience of my teenage years.
16 - If junior high was unpleasant, multiply that in high school. Aunt Maureen passed away. She was excellent in every way and I will love every memory of her forever.
17
- Other than school, seventeen was a good year. Young women's was still excellent and my closest friends were the other Laurels. I still enjoy those friendships.
18 - I had a biology test, a full-shift at a new job, a city council meeting, and a birthday party. I asked not to have anyone other than my immediate family at my birthday because it was going to be such a long day. I thought about Alleson all day. I really like her.
19 - It was during my short stint in New Jersey when I turned nineteen. People I didn't know from my institute class threw me a surprise birthday party. I learned a lot of things I loved about the Church while I was in New Jersey. Most of nineteen was spent with Wendy in Salt Lake where I started a new job that day I started college. I also celebrated a 4.0 GPA after doing 17 credit hours while working 30 hours a week. My last 4.0.....
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my first decade: 1983-1993
0 - I was cute. I didn't walk. No need to.
1 - Still cute. Still didn't walk. No need to.
2 - Cute. Pigtails.
3 - Started preschool with the neighbor kids.
4 - Was a pro at preschool with the neighbor kids.
5 - Mrs. Sheen wouldn't let me write 1990 on my papers until after New Years. Sheesh.
6 - Dad and Jeremy snuck me out of Mrs. Tremea's class to get my ears pierced.
7 - My cousin Michelle died. She was cute with curls and had lots of personality in her four year old body. Can't wait to get to know her again.
8 - Dad baptized me on my birthday. My grandma's were the speakers and I wish I knew what they said. I remember telling Aunt Maureen my mom would be serving steak at the dinner after the baptism. Really, it was just sloppy joes. Mrs. Unck let me tell the class about my special day.
9 - Anne said that it was really old for me to be nine. I could beat Mrs. Hyde at timed multiplication tests.
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I guess I am one of those {or one of YOU} people who dread turning THIRTY.
I don't hate the number as much as I hate the categories people put you in or count you out of by just having a simple birthday.
I am young. At least, I don't remember not being young.
I am married and have kids and stuff but I could be 20 and have that be true.
College just ended....seven years ago. What? When did seven years start feeling like two years?
What is it that makes people start calling you "Ma'am?" Ma'am. Are you kidding me?! Those punks who do it are practically my same age....that I was seven to twelve years ago.
Just because I'm thirty, doesn't mean I don't understand eighteen. You don't automatically start identifying with 56 year old people because you leave your twenties. And, even if you do identify with them, it doesn't make you their age. Wait. Lightbulb moment....crap. Does that mean if I identify with college kids, it doesn't make me their age either?
And, gray roots. What?! Where the H did they come from?
Here we go....29 more posts on my way to THIRTY.
I got stumped and painted myself into a corner. Noah swears. And swears. He strings them together. If I've done anything as a mother, I've never sworn at or even around my children. I know it's not coming from the shows we watch {except for the old Ninga Turtles movie we watched that one time}. It's coming from people we go around. I know there is no way to shelter my kids from hearing swear words {or other words we don't allow at home} but I don't know how to teach Noah that while so-and-so says those things, we don't. We've had positive talks about it, time outs about it, etc.
This afternoon, Noah and Elizabeth were playing a lively game of Checkers {which neither of them know how to play} and Elizabeth jumped Noah's guy. He wasn't angry, just into his game, so he strung and repeated his go-to swear. Here comes the "I'm out of ideas" part.....
