Friday, September 21, 2012

why clothes suck

Is that too strong of language?  Sorry.  But it's just how I'm feeling right now.  Recently, I've had what you might call a 'complicated' relationship with clothes.  Now, if you don't like TMI posts ...Brian... this one may not be for you.  Sorry if you already scrolled through the pictures.  My bad.

I read this long old blog post I found on Pinterest about mom butts.  So, I asked Jake, "Do I have a mom butt?"  He said yes.  Then he asked what that means.  But it was too late.  Whether or not he is ignorant about mom butts he had already said I had one.  Jake said he answered yes because he thought about how much I like to be a mom and so any mom question must be answered in the affirmative.  I talked to my sister and cousins about it and decided to go on a hunt for new, and cute, jeans. 

Lo and behold, shopping sucks.  I decided to give several examples of why bedazzled jeans don't work on short, butt-less, girls.  Don't worry.  Even after my disappointment, I have a plan of action and there is another "butt post" coming.  Poor Noah has to endure more shopping and he's going to grow up thinking you have to take pictures in the dressing room.  
maybe these ones are okay, maybe
Here's where I think these go wrong ... I am short and I don't have a lot to show off back there so bedazzeled pockets are no good.  Plus, do you think any of these brand every heard of mom jeans?  Because if there is anything I can get away with, fashion-wise, it's low rise.  Midrise jeans just don't work.  What are you supposed to do with buttons and pockets on your belly button?

Here's my question .... I'm a month shy of 29 years old.  Can I shop in the juniors for jeans?  Will I have more success over there?  What kind of clothes am I supposed to buy?

Going on ... that's right ... there's more....

An anonymous friend was recently measured at Victoria's Secret and learned she is 2-3 sizes larger than she thought.  Here's the deal.  Another anonymous friend and I disagree.  Although they fitted her with a wonderful and comfortable item (you know what I'm talking about), I just can't believe that she is really double size anything.

My theory is that their theory is this: if you get measured and buy a comfortable bra from them, then any bra you buy elsewhere is going to fit poorly when you buy the same size.  Therefore, you will believe V.S. has the only bra for you.

I tested my theory.  I went to V.S. too, poor Noah, and was measured.  Here comes the TMI.  If you think you've already seen what you believe is a lot of information, here comes the icing on the cake.  The professional tape measurer said I am a 'C.'  A 'C?'  I wish!  There's no way.  I've been wearing and A for a few years and although I may have gained some weight in that area, it hasn't been that significant of a change.  I explained that to the woman so she said, "Then we'll compromise on a B."  Compromise?  Isn't measurements sort of black and white?  Isn't that the purpose of being measured?

I'm headed to Dillards for a second opinion.  More to come.

I've made my visit to Dillards and my suspicions have been confirmed.  Dillards measured me at the size I believe I am.  Unfortunately, they don't really keep my size stocked.  Awesome.  I decided to quiz the measuring sales woman, named Jo, about why V.S. measured so differently.  Jo guesses that it's easier to sell the size they told me than the size I actually am.  I shared my sales theory with Jo and she didn't dare laugh or anything.  She just politely said I may be right and that she has had several customers mention that V.S. sizes are different.

Going on, that's right, bear with me.  I've done some internet research now.  It seems like the consistent comments about V.S. is that they measure above your bust line, rather than across the bust line which is common in most stores (Dillards, Nordstroms, Fredericks).  Apparently, this particular websites is full of comments from women and the doctors involved with implants 700 cc +, which they consider a large size.  Large?  I'd say.

That reminds me ... at Dillards, I tried on a lovely lace item, which was a size larger than Jo said I was, but she asked me to try it and then show her.  I can't believe it, but I did.  When I invited her back into the room, I estimated that I seemed almost 2 tablespoons short, on each side, for this particular item.  Jo ignored my comment but I feel pretty confident in my estimation.

Here is a validating post I've discovered.  Apparently, this bride agrees, while her MOH (which after some time, I've decided must mean maid of honor) does not.  But if you read why, you'll understand.  The MOH just needs to accept her A-self.

Furthermore, you may be interested in this post.  Maybe you wouldn't be interested.

Why did I write this post?  I don't know.  I guess I just needed something to do that seemed like work.  You know ... research, thinking, ridiculousness, etc.  At least I tried to refrain from words like boobs or bra, and I never outed the anonymous contributors.  I'm sure my parents (who know this post is in progress) will be proud.

I need something to do.


Kellie said...

LOL! Oh Joey, I need to get back to my blog reading. You make me laugh. One never knows what you're going to produce! :)