30 to 30

....the final countdown...

Don't read this is you don't like real feelings....I won't be reading it again because I don't like real feelings.

my short experience, so far, with fertility issues:

 When I was fifteen, I was already aware my body had some issues.  So, for a long time, I've tried to mentally prepare myself that I may have fertility issues in my future.  I have not had to face some of the hard and painful procedures that some girls with PCOS do, but I've had a fair share of unpleasant experiences.

When I met Jake, I didn't ever tell him anything about this until the night we decided to get married.  We were driving along the dark freeway {the dark always makes things easier to say} when he told me that he was unable to have anymore children.  That's when I told him that I was worried my body wouldn't be able to, either.  I knew that his procedure was reversible and had no reservations marrying him.

See, when I was a young teenager, I had strong feelings that in my future family, I would be the mother of two children {siblings even} who were not mine, biologically.  In my mind, I figured I would be able to adopt two children after my husband-to-be and I had already had a few of our own.  When I got engaged, my friend, Amanda, reminded me of these feelings I had several years earlier and pointed out how they were right.  I always knew I'd get my Abbi and Noah.

A year and a half after we were married, Jake had his original procedure reversed.  I couldn't really believe we were moving forward with plans to have a baby.  We had talked to a local doctor who made our case sound impossible, physically and financially.  I was crushed.  A few days later, we learned about a facility that specialized in what we needed so we took a weekend getaway.  The procedure was expensive and uncomfortable....for Jake.  Fortunately, we learned that his procedure was a success.

We visited a highly recommended midwife, so I could begin taking fertility medication.  I tried it.  Not only didn't we ever get pregnant, my body didn't cooperate at all.  The medicine was doubled.  Then tripled.  Then tripled for double the number of days.  I can't even express to you the fatigue and hot flashes that consumed my life.  After trying these doses, the midwife wouldn't prescribe anymore and said I needed to move on to a specialist.  

This whole time, I have to say I've been partially proud of my body for doing some of what it's supposed to do.  On the other hand, I can't stand reading anymore ovulation/pregnancy tests because I've never seen what a positive looks like.  I have learned that the desire to have a baby isn't just because that's the next step in life but because I've known as long as I can remember that I was made to be a mom.  Although at times I am incompetent as a mother, I know that's who I am and what I am here to do, along side my really great companion.

I've tried to work through a lot of emotions, mental and spiritual, to deal with the fact that I may never be able to add a baby to our family.  Jake has been supportive of my feelings and is such a wonderfully supportive husband.  I love him so much and have a complete life with him, Abbi, and Noah.  I am highly interested to see we'd create though. 

I just want to throw out a few things I've learned:

• I don't need a "baby of my own" because Abbi and Noah are mine.  We share them, but they're mine, too.
• I don't hate to hear that other people are pregnant or had a baby.  I love my friends and family and are super excited for them.
• I love babies and it doesn't hurt my feelings to see them {unless they're not being taken care of}.
• I don't like people to ask if or when Jake and I will have a baby.  Doesn't that seem a little personal?  For a great article, read THIS.
• I'm scared of really having a baby...not only the labor but my kids sleep all night, eat their food, and independently use the toilet.
• If I do have a baby, I need someone who can knit/crochet a great creation I've been thinking up in my head.
• I have a lot of blessings, and I'm grateful for them.  I'm especially grateful to be a mom.

tucking in

One of my favorite times of day is the end, for more than one reason, but mostly for those last few pleasant minutes with the babies.  They're sweet and silly and full of love.  Noah helps me get the vitamins ready and chooses which animal he wants in bed with him.  Abbi is so excited to talk about what tomorrow might be like.  She's a planner.  

Before I left the room, Abbi remembered I had told her to remind me to have prayers with them every night.  Noah asked to say the prayer.  Oh, what good babies I have.  Noah prayed that Abbi wouldn't have any nightmares {she's been having a few lately} and he prayed for Heavenly Father to bless him to be a good boy every day.

I'm counting my blessings tonight that I just didn't tuck them in a leave too quick.  The extra minute was the best minute of the day.

out of ideas

I got stumped and painted myself into a corner.  Noah swears.  And swears.  He strings them together.  If I've done anything as a mother, I've never sworn at or even around my children.  I know it's not coming from the shows we watch {except for the old Ninga Turtles movie we watched that one time}.  It's coming from people we go around.  I know there is no way to shelter my kids from hearing swear words {or other words we don't allow at home} but I don't know how to teach Noah that while so-and-so says those things, we don't.  We've had positive talks about it, time outs about it, etc.

This afternoon, Noah and Elizabeth were playing a lively game of Checkers {which neither of them know how to play} and Elizabeth jumped Noah's guy.  He wasn't angry, just into his game, so he strung and repeated his go-to swear.  Here comes the "I'm out of ideas" part.....

I put a tiny drop on his tongue and sent him to time out.  But, first, I did let him have a sip of milk.  I panicked!  The surprise on his face was horrible.  It was like he thought I was treating him to something special and he trusted me and I betrayed him. 

Sometimes being the mom isn't very cool.  On the other hand, he said he isn't going to swear anymore because swear words burn his mouth.  Mission accomplished???  Of course, Noah got over this hours ago and I'm still feeling so confused about what happened.  I hope he doesn't call my bluff because I'm pretty sure I can't Tabasco him again.  Or can I?

p.s. Have you ever had one of those "I've become my mother" moments?  This was mine.  :)

Mr. Popper's Penguins

Abbi is reading this book and using it for her daily writing homework.  Today, she wrote:

"I like how Mr. and Mrs. Popper are still married in the story.  In the movie, the parents are separated."

Sometimes, my heart hurts.

...and we're all fine

I wish that the feelings that I experienced today are the last time I ever have to feel them again.  My mind is still stuck on the sight and sound of what started as an excellent summer day.  The babies were happy and sun-kissed.  We packed snacks, sunblock, water, and the softball gear and headed to Abbi's game just a mile away.

The babies love to ride in the old grandpa truck.  It's a 1988 Dodge Ram with only 42,000 miles.  They love to talk about it's history and they especially love the Ram hood ornament.  When anyone walks past our house they introduce them to the old truck parked on the street.  The babies like to be able to see plus they were surprised that my feet help with the driving.  Today was only they're third or fourth time in the thing.

At the softball games we usually have to sit in the sun and so on our way to the park I stopped at the gas station to get myself I fountain drink.  I parked right next to the door and turned it off.  The babies stayed buckled up while I ran in.  I filled my drink and paid, feeling like I was a bad mom because rather than pick them out a treat, like I usually do, I just paid and headed out the door to see the old grandpa truck rolling away.

At first, I thought, why are they leaving me?  What a trick?  My mind so quickly figured Jake was tricking me but so quickly remembered .... I AM THE DRIVER!!!!  And then, the screaming hit my ear, coming from the cab.  My babies were screaming!  The truck was rolling down through the dip and into Riverdale Road.  I threw my drink and ran into the road.  I didn't have time to look for traffic, I just had to run for my babies.  I got into the cab before it reached the third lane, crossing the road just parallel to the intersection.

I don't know how all the stars aligned, but the light was green so there weren't cars sitting in the road at the light.  The truck didn't hit any cars and the oncoming traffic was all able to stop safely away from us.  The kids stayed in their seatbelts.  After I figured out what was going on with the truck and backed it back into the gas station I learned that Noah had kicked the gear shift and that's when it started rolling.

We all melted down, thankful for the miracle, but shocked and shaken.  We cuddled and sat together at home and we're so happy for the visitors who came to visit.  Anne was already on her way to help at the softball game, Grandma Tracy just happened to stop in, and Crystal and Jenny came to check on me, too.  I feel overwhelmed by the incident and more by the miracle of the little bubble that surrounded us today.

I've never been more scared.  Five hours later, it still feels like minutes ago.  I know that Heavenly Father protected us through the prayers of those who faithfully keep us in their prayers.  I have learned and felt so much as a mom today and my babies have had their share of a lesson, too.  I am so grateful they are soundly asleep and we are all in our safe little home tonight.

I have thought through every scenario that could have happened and have to keep focusing in on our safety and miracle.  We're fine. 

P.S. The drink I threw apparently went through the open driver window because when we got home I found myself sitting on a cup and a pile of ice.

Don't forget to pray.  You might save some babies.

642 Things to Write About

642 Things to Write About

Tell a story that begins with a ransom note.

"ThEy'Re MiNe!  tHe GrAbBeR, BeLt, AnD nOw I'vE gOt RuFfY, tOo!  ThEy'Re aLL sAfeLy HiDdEn AwAy.  YoU mAy FiNd ThEm BuT yOu'LL nEvEr ReAcH tHeM. bELt HaS tRieD tO eScaPE bUt I'vE gOt HiM tiEd Up nOW. IF yOu EvEr WaNt ThEm iN yOuR hOt LitTLe HaNdS aGaiN tHeN yOu BeTTeR foLLoW mY inSTRucTiONs ExAcTLy.

1) LiStEn tO yOUr MoThEr
2)  nO NaUghtiEs uSinG tOyS as ToOLs

IF yOu CaN dO tHiS fOr ONE DAY, yOu'Re 3 SpEciALs WiLL bE rEtuRned tO yOu UnHaRmEd.  GoOd LuCk."

He lost his grabber first.  He used it to slam his cousin's brand new laptop shut.  The next day, after the grabber had been surrendered, he used Belt {a long-armed monkey} to hit Daisy.  Before either were back in his possession, he left his dirty pj's and underwear on the floor, laying next to Ruffy.

This is my kunundrum.  If Noah gives up his toys with no fight, doesn't beg to get them back, and continues with naugtiness, I've obviously chosen an inefficient technique for teaching.  I guess until I find something more effective, I'll cuddle with a monkey and a dog and grab stuff at my leisure.

Day One ... For the Record

Today is my first day of being a stay at home mom.

Noah woke up, not too early, but a little early.  He probably slammed every door about 12 times before peeing on the carpet.

But, everyone got bathed and/or showered.  I wore regular clothes and even wore a little mascara.  I started laundry in the morning, whoa.  I did Noah's birthday shopping and I took care of a cute little baby of my friend, Ana.  Abbi loved helping with him.  She was so proud of herself.

Then, as luck would have it, we ate dinner as a family at the table and then saw Ice Age 4 at the Motor Vu, which was fun and funny.

Here were my thoughts from the day .... 

1. Jake is really great.  He said some things that reminded me why I love him so much.

2. Noah reverts to a few baby habits when I am taking care of a baby.

3. Abbi is such a smart, big girl.

4. I might be in for some unpredictable lessons.

my new gig

stay

support

underpinning

brace

buttress

column

hold

prop

reinforcement

shore

shoring

stanchion

truss

underpropping

at

about

appearing in

by

found in

in the vicinity of

near to

on

placed at

situated at

through

toward

home

environment

abode

element

habitat

habitation

haunt

haven

hearth

homeground

homeland

homestead

land

locality

neck of the woods

neighborhood

range

site

stomping ground

territory

mom

mother

ma

mama

matriarch

matron

mommy

mum

mumsy

parent

 I've taken the choices down from 25, 740 to only 96 possible titles.

I guess I'll try to choose from the more traditional names.

homemaker

housewife

family manager

home economist

home engineer

lady of the house

mistress of the house

wife & mother

Yeah, that'll do.

So begins my journey as a mumsy who stays home .... stay tuned.

Because the top of the fridge is full....

Does anyone else find there are a few things that get left out a lot?  Or, that no one cares to put things away until the dog finds it?

I think we're going to try out a new plan.  Usually, toys get stuck on top of the fridge but A) I'm short and 2) That space gets filled up quick some days.

Do you have an idea that works?

Pin It Tuesday

Pin It Tuesday!

Today is the debut of my newest series ... mostly for the sake of remembering which Pins I've really tested, and my review of the featured Pin.

Noah got a splinter over the weekend on, I'm guessing, a wooden deck.  It was not discovered until tonight when I saw the thing blatently staring at me from his left heel.  I've always and will always have a terrible fear of the pain splinters are, even more so when they are removed.  Seeing Noah's splinter tonight made me feel like I might change my children's lives by using innovative techniques that are basically pain-free when removing splinters.

I got busy reading an entire chapter book to the kids and forgot about the aforementioned pain in my boy's heel.  Really, it wasn't a pain because he didn't even know it was there.  After he was sound asleep, drooling a small lake onto his pillow, I snuck into his room to save the day the pain-free way ... Pinterest style.

First, I tried this:
Painlessly remove a stubborn splinter


This may be a great idea.  I tried good, old-fashioned rubber cement.  Maybe I needed to use a load more, because covering the slivers newly claimed home did not do the trick.  I think it shined his skin, and the splinter nicely.


 Next, I read about this idea that I pinned because it sounded like it would come in handy.
How to Remove a Splinter


It didn't come in handy.  It takes at least 24 hours to remove the splinter.  You use water and 1/4 tsp. of baking soda to cover the area and then cover with a band-aid.  After 24 hours you can remove the band-aid and rinse the skin to see if the splinter is sticking out.  If it's not, you're supposed to try again.  Does the average person have 24+ hours to spend waiting to see if the sliver, in their actual person, WANTS to come out?  I didn't think so.  This Pin sounds like a great trick if we owned a time-machine.  No go.

You wanna know how this splinter is getting out of my toddler's foot?  The time-tested and proven method of tweezers and possibly a needle.  And, without Mom.  I bow out and will now turn the "save the day the painful way" to my courageous husband.

And, to theses two poor, poor Pins .... they will be deleted from the "Good to Know" board.  I have strict standards for my Pins ... you're good, or you're gone!

our summer fun

 

Probably no one cares, but at home we are really enjoying Crayola's Dry Erase Activity Center.  Abbi uses it for the worksheets and spelling words we practice each week.  Noah is learning to trace and to free-hand circles.  They love when we get these out!  Anyway, I thought if any of my mom friends were interested, these are pretty inexpensive on Amazon.  I found them at OfficeMax for the best price - check out the link below.  They're perfect for the bait-and-switch you can pull on your kids.  They think it's markers and fun, but those sneaky spelling words and circles get right in, too.  I wish these were around when I was a kid.

Saturday Morning

I loved President Packer's talk about being parents and I loved Cheryl A. Esplin's talk about teaching children during the morning session of General Conference today.

Being a mom is ...

On this blog, Stephanie, or NieNie as the world likes to call her, is hosting an essay contest about being a mom.  I haven't really considered entering the contest but I decided to take the challenge that it would be to describe what a mom is.

I am the youngest daughter of six children.  My mom has given herself a very busy life by choosing to have us all and stay at home with us.  She was the mom who knew that messes can be cleaned up and that creating builds a child's mind.  She knew that small things add up to be the traditions we remember and that consistency in teaching built us each a foundation to build our own lives on.  She taught us that we were smart enough, and kind enough, to solve our own problems.  But after we all became adults, she told us about the few times she did stand up for us. When I began worrying about my own daughter's education, she taught me that I should be kind, but that if I don't stand up for my child, no one will.  

Since becoming a mom, she taught me that it's okay to let loose with the kids.  You see, I became a mom just one year ago.  My first anniversary is on Mother's Day this year, which is appropriate because on my wedding day I became a mom to a beautiful little girl and a toddler boy.  I've had to work hard to learn how to have fun and be wild with the kids, while giving them a stable and safe home.  I was worrying so much about them coming and going between homes and the emotional strain they are going through or may go through, that my brain took a sabbatical.  And oddly enough, it was my mom who helped me find my brain, balance, and prioritize so that I could have more joy in the journey.

As a mom, I can see how I could widdle away everyday, thinking about how things are now, how I wish they were, or what the future will be like.  The days could pass with me running around the house, fighting against the eternal pile of laundry or the sink that refills with dishes with just a blink of the eye.  I could even waste time with a routine, that I might have originally thought was the solution.  I've learned that the best thing I can do as a mom, is have joy in my journey because in turn, it will teach my children that no matter our circumstances, we CHOOSE joy.  My mom taught me how to choose joy when I was very young.  It's just one of those lessons you have to use to feel the results.

That's my job now.  I'm a mom.  I teach reading, writing, math, work, fun, creativity, potty training, speech, health, the gospel, how to deal with emotions (including disappointment) but the most important thing I can teach is that on any day and at any time , we each have the ability to CHOOSE joy.  Being a mom is the most taxing work I have ever enjoyed!

Love Month - Barbara (aka: Amy)

Little Miss Mylie in her Valentine's outfit.  She is in LOVE with her Dorothy shoes and her pets!

Look at those amazing cookies!  They were pretty good.  Mylie helped me put the hearts on top after they came out of the oven.  She really likes to help, even when sometimes it isn't helpful.  She tries.

Heart-shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's.  The teachers that I work with and I have a tradition of getting a heart-shaped pizza for Valentine's.  I think it might be one of the best traditions EVER!  Everyone should try it, at least once.

 I love lots of things-my family and sweet daughter, cookie dough, the smell of rain, creating stuff that I see on Pinterest.  I love that my daughter calls Valentines Day Balentines Day.  Ha ha!  But most of all, I LOVE mommy moments that make my heart smile.  

Yesterday was Valentines Day.  It has somehow become my daughter’s holiday.  She seriously started asking me how long until Valentines Day back in April.  So, as it approached, I tried to think of some fun for us. 

I picked Mylie from school a little early and brought her back to my work, where we ate heart shaped pizza (YUM!) and peanut butter cookies I made (Double YUM!).  We decorated her Valentines for her friends at daycare and I gave her the little gift I had for her, a squeeze-it and Hershey’s kisses (‘a squeeze and a kiss’--thank you Pinterest!) Then, I took her to daycare so I could finish work.  There, she decorated Valentines for me and her dad.  Then, her dad picked her up and gave her a balloon, flowers, a Tweety cupcake, and some candy.  Later, Mylie and I took a plate of the cookies I made over to my friend and visited with her for about an hour.  Pretty good day for a three year old huh?

At the end of the day, I wanted to make sure she had a great day, since it is her favorite and all. The conversation went like this:

Me: “What was your favorite part of Valentine’s today?”

Mylie: “When we took the cookies to that Mom.”

Me: “Really, why was that your favorite?”  (I was in complete shock because she tugged on my arm for what felt like 20 minutes because she wanted to go.)

Mylie: “Because it made me feel so good.”

And, viola, my heart smiled.  And that was the only Valentines gift that I needed, or would ever need.  I don’t know how I got so lucky to have such a sweet, thoughtful little girl.  I LOVE that girl and all the AMAZING things she teaches me day after day!

Thank you Pinterest for the idea! That's where I get all my good ideas these days. I love Pinterest. 

We were lucky this time.

Once in a while, we like to tease Abbi about how it's time for her to take a turn to change Noah's diaper. She usually gets a little mad and says she can't do anything like that until she's 16. Well, we went camping. We were lounging around the campfire when Noah announced he had a "bad bum." Abbi said she wanted to take care of it. I let her help me and was telling her what order to do things in. For example, we don't open and pull off the diaper before we are armed with the wipes.

Flash forward to last night. Noah was wearing his new baby leash, which he LOVES, and was making Abbi walk him. Jake and I sent the kids upstairs to start finding their pajamas while we finished cleaning up dinner. A couple minutes later, Abbi came down the stairs and yelled, "I changed Noah's diaper!" She was so excited. It took a second to register what she said and then all the sudden she appeared again and handed me a heavy wet diaper. I feel so lucky it was only wet.

I was scared. Jake was scared. I gathered my courage and went upstairs to see what was happening.

Abbi did a good job for her first, unsupervised try. She really wanted to be a good helper because this week our goal is to earn a little money to donate to the temple fund. We paid her a little extra because she was really proactive with this task.

week one

I'd like to report and may be afraid to say the small boy, Noah, has taken the responsibility upon himself to initiate me as the newest member of the Tracy Family. We got home from our honeymoon late Tuesday night and have spent all of our time since then unpacking, settling things, and working endlessly on the laundry.

While I was on the kitchen floor working on the pantry, Noah was experiencing a high quantity of gas. I literally saw a light turn on in his head just before he turned around, backed up, sat on my leg, and farted. He got a good kick out of this so then he grunted while he sat there until he pooped. I went to get the cleaning supplies for incidents such as these when he backed me into the little bathroom, backed up against me, and grunted a little more. He soiled himself. Just before bed, he was content playing with Num Num (his new hippo) but he caught a glimpse of me kind of backed into another corner so he dropped what he was doing to back up and pass gas on my leg again. Three times in one day. Jake said he's never seen Noah do that before. We're not sure how his brain came up with it but he seemed pretty skilled in his endeavors.

In other news, Abbi is doing good and has not farted or pooped on my leg. I appreciate that about her. We're planning a fun trip to the zoo this week to celebrate her Kindergarten graduation. She's accomplished a lot this school year so we're going to party!

Friday, May 13, 2011