30 to 30

....the final countdown...

Don't read this is you don't like real feelings....I won't be reading it again because I don't like real feelings.

my short experience, so far, with fertility issues:

 When I was fifteen, I was already aware my body had some issues.  So, for a long time, I've tried to mentally prepare myself that I may have fertility issues in my future.  I have not had to face some of the hard and painful procedures that some girls with PCOS do, but I've had a fair share of unpleasant experiences.

When I met Jake, I didn't ever tell him anything about this until the night we decided to get married.  We were driving along the dark freeway {the dark always makes things easier to say} when he told me that he was unable to have anymore children.  That's when I told him that I was worried my body wouldn't be able to, either.  I knew that his procedure was reversible and had no reservations marrying him.

See, when I was a young teenager, I had strong feelings that in my future family, I would be the mother of two children {siblings even} who were not mine, biologically.  In my mind, I figured I would be able to adopt two children after my husband-to-be and I had already had a few of our own.  When I got engaged, my friend, Amanda, reminded me of these feelings I had several years earlier and pointed out how they were right.  I always knew I'd get my Abbi and Noah.

A year and a half after we were married, Jake had his original procedure reversed.  I couldn't really believe we were moving forward with plans to have a baby.  We had talked to a local doctor who made our case sound impossible, physically and financially.  I was crushed.  A few days later, we learned about a facility that specialized in what we needed so we took a weekend getaway.  The procedure was expensive and uncomfortable....for Jake.  Fortunately, we learned that his procedure was a success.

We visited a highly recommended midwife, so I could begin taking fertility medication.  I tried it.  Not only didn't we ever get pregnant, my body didn't cooperate at all.  The medicine was doubled.  Then tripled.  Then tripled for double the number of days.  I can't even express to you the fatigue and hot flashes that consumed my life.  After trying these doses, the midwife wouldn't prescribe anymore and said I needed to move on to a specialist.  

This whole time, I have to say I've been partially proud of my body for doing some of what it's supposed to do.  On the other hand, I can't stand reading anymore ovulation/pregnancy tests because I've never seen what a positive looks like.  I have learned that the desire to have a baby isn't just because that's the next step in life but because I've known as long as I can remember that I was made to be a mom.  Although at times I am incompetent as a mother, I know that's who I am and what I am here to do, along side my really great companion.

I've tried to work through a lot of emotions, mental and spiritual, to deal with the fact that I may never be able to add a baby to our family.  Jake has been supportive of my feelings and is such a wonderfully supportive husband.  I love him so much and have a complete life with him, Abbi, and Noah.  I am highly interested to see we'd create though. 

I just want to throw out a few things I've learned:

• I don't need a "baby of my own" because Abbi and Noah are mine.  We share them, but they're mine, too.
• I don't hate to hear that other people are pregnant or had a baby.  I love my friends and family and are super excited for them.
• I love babies and it doesn't hurt my feelings to see them {unless they're not being taken care of}.
• I don't like people to ask if or when Jake and I will have a baby.  Doesn't that seem a little personal?  For a great article, read THIS.
• I'm scared of really having a baby...not only the labor but my kids sleep all night, eat their food, and independently use the toilet.
• If I do have a baby, I need someone who can knit/crochet a great creation I've been thinking up in my head.
• I have a lot of blessings, and I'm grateful for them.  I'm especially grateful to be a mom.

we have SEALED the deal!

We prepared the paperwork TWO years ago, and now, after a lesson in love and patience, Jake and I received clearance from the First Presidency to be sealed to each other.  We couldn't believe it when the letter came in the mail.  The day before it arrived, I had been in a beautiful sealing room in the Brigham City Temple.  I told anyone who listened that I couldn't wait to be in there {hopefully this year} with Jake.  The very next day, I was on the phone scheduling that very room!

Jake and I were sealed in the Brigham City Temple tonight, February 13, 2013.  We were engaged two years ago, today.  Our first date was on August 13, 2010 and our wedding day was May 13, 2011.  You could say we like thirteen, although only the wedding date and today's date was on purpose.

Our friend took family pictures for us outside the temple before we were sealed and I can't wait to see them!  Our guests began to arrive and so we made our way in.  I still can hardly believe this day came and we really got to be sealed together.  Being in the temple was a beautiful experience.  The workers there took such wonderful care of us and serve in the temple with love.  The Bride's Room was beautiful and I felt so special that I got to use it even though I am already married.

The sealer, Brother Lund, was so kind and shared wonderful thoughts with us.  After our guests greeted us and left the room, he shared a few more special thoughts with Jake and me.  He also prepared some things to say and give to Abbi and Noah.  After we were sealed, and went to change, he went downstairs to the waiting room and visited them.  He and the Assistant to the President loved them and told us how attentive and wonderful Abbi was.  They said Noah was very attentive and bright, and he had a lot to say.

When we got back downstairs the men at the front desk told me not to forget the kids.  I looked over to the waiting room door and saw Noah pressing his face and hands against the glass, smiling and waiting for me to come in.  Abbi and Noah showed us the picture they each got of the temple and the brochure that had a picture of the sealing room we were in.  I can't be more grateful to them for taking time to visit Abbi and Noah.

I loved to see every face of those who came to support us.  I was worried for a minute that my grandma hadn't come, but she is a little grandma and she was on the second row.  We had so many family members and friends there and I appreciate them so much.  I was especially happy to be there with my parents, Wendy, Anne, Jimmy and Amber, RaNae, and Moose. 

I have waited and wanted this day to happen for my whole life.  Waiting the last two years was quite a test for me in patience and God's time table.  I grew in love and confidence in my marriage to Jake.  We were meant to be and there is no way my life would be complete without them.  I have learned more than I thought there was to learn about love, patience, sacrifice, and happiness since becoming a wife and a mother.

On our way to dinner, afterwards, Noah heard me apologize to Jake for my waterworks.  He asked, "Was it a sad cry or a happy cry, Mom?"  It was really, really happy.  I've never had better tears in my life.  As Marlie {my Little Goo-Goo} might say, they were "salty tears of happiness."  I'm a pretty happy Joey.

Cody covered his face because he accidentally smiled.

Eating the condiments.

Twirling in her new twirling-dress.

for time & all eternity

Noah's prediction and the faith-filled prayers of many people have become reality....

Jake and I got our letter from the First Presidency in the mail today!  We have the clearance we asked for to be sealed in the temple!  Now our two-year wait will be over in less than thirty days!  

Jake and I are thrilled!  Abbi and I did a happy dance!  Noah made silly jokes about bodily functions!

This post may be my most favorite of all time!

this is me

this is me

What do you remember about your honeymoon?

In the Salt Lake City Airport, the morning after we got married, we ate Sbarro Pizza.  Then, we flew to San Diego.  Our hotel was a block in front of the train, and one block from the water.  Upon check in, the hotel had warm cookies.  The warm cookies were also available every time we could sneak one on our way past the front desk.  What I've mention so far are meaningful stories.

We went on a dinner cruise our first night there.  The Dramamine and the smooth boat ride put me to sleep after dinner.  Whoops.  I was awake enough to watch a lot of awkward/drunk people doing a lot of awkward/drunk dancing.

Maybe on the second night there, Jake made us go on a horrible errand.  Remember the Sbarro Pizza?  It was still in me.  Along with whatever else I ate since the previous Thursday.  That's a lot of food.  I only told Jake because it was a little funny but he takes the role of caring for his family quite seriously.  So .... Walgreens or whatever was the stop we made.  Cranberry Juice and Mirolax or whatever that's called.  Because I like fancy drinks, I insisted on whip cream, too.  When we got back to the hotel, Jake whipped me up something quite nice.  NOT!  It wasn't nice.  It was yuck yuck.  I whined and begged and tried to negotiate a way out of the beverage but it didn't work.  My advice, don't tell Jake if you're backed up.


We spent a whole day at the San Diego Zoo where we bought the kids stuffed animals.  Noah's turned out to be his favorite little guy to have in bed with him ... A hippo he named Num Num.  We toured some cool boats and submarines, including the U.S.S. Something or Other.  In the submarine, we looked out the spy hole and saw some inappropriate PDA happening on the top of the boat next door.


We had lots of yummy meals, especially one that was a late breakfast for us but opening lunch time in Little Italy.  Delicious.  Authentic, thin crust pizza.  That was by far my favorite pizza in this lifetime.  The Cheesecake Factory was yum, too.  I really like the walk over there because of the mall .... Crate and Barrel, Anthropolgie, Nordstroms (where I got some awesome shoes but made it an unfortunate event for a lady on the escalator), etc.

One afternoon, I wanted to go out exploring but Jake was napping.  He woke up to join me on my unplanned adventure.  Not that he wasn't happy, but the nap was his first choice, he trudged down to the lobby with me and we picked up warm cookies on our way out the door.  I'm not sure why, but my cookie was gone in a flash.  As we rounded the corner I snatched Jake's cookie and shoved it in my mouth.  Fourteen months later, and that's pretty much all he remembers from our honeymoon.

It was pretty awesome to spend so much time with Jake, uninterrupted (except by a right-wing nut job who wouldn't stop calling my phone).  It was relaxing and fun to be able to mozy around with no real set-in-stone type plans.  I liked it.  I like him.  A lot.

this is me

this is me

What do you remember about your wedding day?


1. Woke up with no time for breakfast.  Wendy took me to the salon where Tiffani made me beautiful.

2. Came home to my house to see Jake in his suit.  Curled Abbi's hair.  Put on my wedding dress, good thing RaNae was there.  Gave Abbi her special Vintage Pearl necklace.

3. Rode with Jake to the Timbermine.  It felt kinda funny.

4. Saw my family already there making the place beautiful, just that way I wanted it.  Loved it.  My uncle was there and took some excellent family pictures.

5. A lot of great people came.  I was a little overwhelmed.

6. My dad got the party started, and then we got married.  It took like five whole minutes.  Then I cried, and my makeup streamed down my face.  Apparently, I looked horrendous because my dad was appalled.  Jake gave me a hanky.

7. Jon Schmidt played and we loved it.

8.  Lunch came, and I missed it, but I got to talk to everybody just how I wanted.

9. We had yummy cupcakes and did more visiting.

10.  Then, we left the mess for my family to clean up, and the kids went away for the weekend, and we headed to Salt Lake.

11. I opened the cards on the way to the hotel and finished when we got there, so excited for the gift certificates we could use in San Diego.

12. I gobbled up the tuxedo strawberries and the sparkling cider because it looked beautiful on the table.  I don't think I saved any for Jake.


The end.

Things Jake say happened on our wedding day:

1. Bishop Hatch said "Boss and Bride." (Jake blames a lot of things on what "Denton said."
2. I shoved cupcake straight up his nose.
3. My make-up was horrendous after the crying.
4. I started playing a thumb war with him during the 4 minute ceremony.
5. I ate grilled cheese for dinner at the hotel and apparently that's not very adult-like.

this is me

this is me

How did you know that he was the "one"?

I think I just knew.  It wasn't like a lightening "HE IS THE ONE!"  It was more like, I wasn't self-conscious around him, we communicated (or Jake did, at least), he had fun and laughed, we talked A LOT, we just grew together.  Then, that scared the heck out of me (and Jake, too, I think).  So I ran away.  I thought that's what I should do.  I even felt like that's what I should do.  Then, I had a horrible six weeks because I felt so alone without Jake.  I totally rebounded on Christmas, poor soul, and blared the holiday tunes, went to every holiday activity I could find, decorated, cooked, baked, spent time with anyone who would, made my sister cry on Christmas about Skip-Bo, and felt so, so lonely.

Then, on New Year's Eve, I banned together with my friends to think about how awful this one guy had been to a really great girl.  How could he just walk away with no reason?  Whoops.  I did that.  The next morning, I took advantage of the holiday.

"This is Joey.  Happy New Years, Jake.  Good luck with the next semester of school."

On our "we can go out again if explain yourself" date, I told Jake I wasn't sure why I broke up with him, but that if he would let me have a second chance, I'd take it.  We both admitted we were a little nervous about how fast things had been going before and neither of us were ready to get married.

Fast forward two weeks .... let's get married.

Over and over, since that time, I've known and been reminded that Jake is "the one" for me.  Forever.

this is me

this is me

How did you meet your husband?

Is it weird that I sometimes I feel funny about admitting where we met?  We met on www.match.com.  An extremely close relative and I decided to join during their free month.  My first day on, I got an email from Jake, saying something about the county fair.  We emailed A LOT for a few weeks.  In fact, the week I spent with my family in the nicest cabin we've seen, I hid in the basement emailing away.  I was really enjoying it.  At that time, I was also studying to take the entry exam for a Master's Program but I was really struggling with the math portion.  Jake offered to help me because, actually, he's quite good with math.  I thought, "Who does he think he is, being so bold?"  But I stood corrected after whoever I gave that excuse to, told me how rE-diculous I was being and that he was just being nice.

Then the day came, "Do you text?"  I decided to jump in and take the bait.  I emailed back my phone number.  And boy, did we text.  And talk.  And talk.  One night, we talked ALL night.  I'm pretty sure I wasn't conscious that whole time and said some pretty silly things.  Then the invitation ... "Would you like to come to the county fair with me?"  It was a few weeks away.  We made a plan of where to meet (because you've gotta play it safe when you meet strangers via the inter-web) and texted our fingers off.

After the entire night on the phone, Jake asked if I was really going to make him wait another couple weeks for our date.  Yeah!  We made a plan for just a couple days away to have breakfast.  Jake arrived (right at my door - don't try that at home, kids) and took me to breakfast to Kate's Cafe on 25th Street.  We walked on the river trail.  Then, we did a lot of talking on the couch.  That's right, talking.  My nerves made me pull apart my throw pillow.  He called me on that.  Whoops :)

The next day or two, Jake was a little withdrawn about US.  Us?  Yeah, us.  He had gotten a lot of feedback and advice, which may or may not have been merited.  So, I uncharacteristically, told him that I think if he needs to talk it out, that I should be included.  Jake came again and we walked around the park trail in the rain.  I'm not sure we even held hands.  The rain started to pour, so we went back to my house.  We talked until it was time for him to pick up the kids.  When he left, dun-da-da-dun .... he kissed me.  And the rest, is history.  History with speed bumps and tears and laughing and dates and kissing and food and talking and me avoiding talking and conference and parties and I-Love-You's and comedy and kids and advice and texting and a break up and loneliness and a great get-back-together fear and nerves and happiness and an engagement and pictures and moving and a wedding and a honeymoon and now .... the Tracy Family.

Success.

J is for JAKE

J is for Jake

A random list about Jake.

•  he hates my cats
• Jake just sold Matilda, his very precious motorcycle
• his grandma used to give him compliments about how nice he is .... when he's asleep
• Jake has an awesome memory, he can sing the lyrics to every song he has ever heard, including "Colo-rectal Surgeon"
• he served his mission in Brasil and hopes to go back someday
• Jake is an awesome cook and a super housekeeper and also a good accountant for our finances
• Jake tries to negotiate with me, which always includes me eating a piece of meat
• no matter what work he has to do, Jake is a really hard worker, even into the wee hours of the morning
• he loves dogs as much as me, which makes us a dangerous home for animals
• while supportive of my creative endeavors, Jake often piles or tosses my supplies
• there is a place on Jake's shoulder that is better than any pillow - we call it the sleeper hold
• he loves to run and used to run miles and miles with Abbi in the stroller
• Jake is a really good dad - he keeps our home safe and sound
• he is the most resilient and strong person I have met
• a mini-Jake exists in the 2 year old body of Noah
• Jake knows how to play, work, teach, and comfort Abbi with more patience than anyone I've seen
• he likes me, even when I give him plenty of reasons not to
• he teases me in the night and tells me in the morning what I did or said that might qualify me as a crazy person
• he's pretty super

Friday the 13th Fondue Party

Friday, May 13, 2011

Friday, March 13, 1998

Friday, August 13, 2004

Friday, November 13, 1970

Love Month - Engagement Anniversary

WARNING: MUSHY, GUSHY STORY, but I never wrote it down before.  Welcome to the debut of our engagement story.

Never in my life have I had a desire to stay up late.  I enjoy, appreciate, love, desire, want, and need a lot of sleep.  That hobby (the sleep) used to be accompanied by early mornings.  I literally enjoyed the "early to bed, early to rise..." stuff.  A couple years ago I learned to sleep in.... until about 9 a.m. 

Last year at this time, Jake and I were burning candles at both ends. I would be awake late, late into the night because I didn't want to go home, or for him to go home, or to hang up the phone.  My brain kind of twisted around and said that I'd rather get little to no sleep than not be with Jake.

(As a side note, just now, while I was typing this....my brain said, "Who is Jake?  This isn't real."  I'm still getting used to the idea that Jake is real, and we're married, and I get to have him forever.)

Back on track now.....  Anyway, I loved the weekends while Jake and I were dating because that was the most time we could spend together.  Because of the distance between us, and the children who actually have to sleep, we would hardly ever see each other mid-week.  I couldn't wait for work to get over on Saturdays!

Last year, February 13th was a Sunday.  I had arrived at Jake's early that morning to go to church with him and the kids.  After the kids had gone to bed, Jake and I were watching a movie on the couch, or the kissing couch as my mom would call it.  The winter makes Jake's hands so dry but he feels like lotion is not really for manly men.  He would rather rub greasy lip chap all over his knuckles.  He says it sticks better.  Better than lotion?  Right, right.  Everyone but Jake knows lip chap does not beat the effectiveness of Aveda Lotion.  Back to the story...

Although he complained, I rubbed my very special Aveda Hand Lotion on Jake's sand paper knuckles.  He left the room for a minute and when he came back he said he wanted to put lotion on my hands too.  So while I watched the movie, or slept, Jake rubbed the lotion on my hands and I felt a little ring slip on my finger.  I didn't rush to look because he messes with my heart ring all the time, but then he asked, "Do you like it?"

I did like it.  Jake gave me a beautiful blingy diamond band, just like I had wanted.  He picked it out all on his own.  I'm so glad that he asked me to marry him that night.  He had a more elaborate way to propose but he said relaxing together seemed more our style.  And it is.  More than any date we could go on, I love ending up watching a movie together, dozing in what I like the call the "sleeper hold."  It's the perfect way to lay by each other with my head on his shoulder.  I fall asleep in 60 seconds while he watches the show by himself.  Perfect.

Much later that night, I drug myself to the car and drove home.  So, so tired.  So, so happy.

Missing Puppy!

I came home from work yesterday to find NO DOG! .  I was worried and suspicious.  I was worried because A) maybe Jake was getting Walter's denutification done without telling me or 2) maybe Jake was tired of poop on the floor and took the dog to the river.

But, all is well.  Jake came home and took me away in the car with no explanation of what his plans were.  We ended up in Park City, which means the OUTLETS and yummy dinner.  :)  It turned out even better!  Jake had packed bags for us and we got to stay overnight!  He knows that this semester is going to be a busy one for him which will equal kind of tough for everybody.  He wanted him and I to have one last adventure before he's doing homework for all of the waking hours that I'm at home.  I love that Jake thought of this because I sure didn't.  I don't know why or how but I sure got very lucky (read : am very blessed) to have Jake forever and ever.

I love Jake.  I love outlets shops.  I love Fossil.  I love the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.  I love embarrassing Jake because I dare walk out of a restaurant if the menu is overpriced/sucks.  I love over sized bath tubs.  I love Mr. Popper's Penguins.  I love that Jake wasn't too mad that I didn't stay awake for the movie.  I love sleeping for 11-12 hours.  I love funnel cakes.  I love a new long dress.  I love riding in the car/being with Jake for 24 hours straight.  Etc.  

Happy Weekend!!!